I’m an intelligent, self-made woman who is proud of what, and who I am….
I am an Exhibitionist…
Raised in a strict Catholic environment, sheltered by my mother, home-schooled primarily by my maternal grandmother, I realized early on that despite what my mother told me to the contrary, I had a body that was always admired by young and old alike.
Freed from my mothers grasp at 17, I quickly found a man whom I believed would Love and cherish me forever. Pregnant at 18, I had my now 17 yo daughter who I am proud to say is entering college soon.
I spent nearly 18 years of my life doting after this man whom I believed would protect me as I thought the Catholic church would also do for me till, and beyond death. Imagine my surprise when I found my husband with my best friend. My priest, whom I loved as my ultimate spiritual advise, had the gall to ask me to forgive him, to take serious our vows to God. I could not – my relationship with the Catholic church and my husband ended that day.
Crushed and unable to function, I proceeded with my divorce. Walking around in a daze, having lunch in Washington Park one early spring day in 2009, I found my favorite bench that I could find peace and solitude. Not paying much attention to my surroundings, I had no idea my skirt had risen high on my thighs. At the very moment I re-crossed my legs, I looked up to find a rather handsome man in a suit on the bench across from me; he was staring intently at my legs. I could feel his gaze burning deep inside me…I felt a tingle deep within me that warmed me throughout. He looked up, smiled, and slowly stood to leave. One part of me felt violated, that he had no right to look at me as he did. Another part of me wanted him to look longer, see more, and feel the heat rising up deep inside me.
The next day, at the exact same time, on the same bench, I found my handsome, voyeuristic man in his nice suit. That morning when I dressed, I wore a blouse I knew was transparent, my white lace bra cut low – I wore a pretty sweater over it as it was a bit chilly that morning. My skirt, shorter, silkier, was the only thing I wore – I felt that familiar heat rising deep inside me as I walked out my door, sans panties. Sitting at my bench, mindlessly reading a book I had no idea the title of, I slipped into a trance-like state as I slowly crossed and re-crossed my legs. Unbuttoning my sweater, I slipped it off my shoulders, feeling the cool breeze on my breasts, billowing the loose fitting blouse. I could feel the eyes of my handsome, voyeuristic man undressing me – devouring me – wanting me to show more….
Shortly thereafter, one fateful day after I left Washington Park and returned to work, I was told that the economy was too tight, that I was being laid off with no known re-hire date. I was crushed once again…
Months dragged on, no job, bills piling up, and my little girl becoming ever more excited about going to college. My ex-husband was of no help, his child support barely kept a roof over our heads. I found myself dreaming of my lunches in Washington Park, returning to those feelings of warmth as I felt his eyes on my body. I desperately wanted to feel that again, but I was left with a big question of ‘how?’
I’ve come to terms with who I am. Through my blog, I’ve discovered an outlet that allows me, and a few other women, the means to reveal the inner depths of who we are to those select few who can appreciate our desire to bare as much as we dare. My/our blog is: “Confessions of an Exhibitionist – Personal Essays of Women Who Like to be Watched”
I’m not looking for a relationship, dating, or anything remotely close to even having coffee. I’m here for me, to enjoy sharing all of who I am, and doing so with those who can appreciate and respect my decision to recover in my own way from the devastation I’ve suffered these past few years….